Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

- You don't have to let your wife bully you, - he said.

- Go home and show her you're the boss.

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled:

- From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?

- I certainly do, - said his wife calmly.

- the undertaker.

A blonde tried to blow up her husband's car, but burned her lips on the tailpipe.

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary. That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed. She says:

- Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?

He said:

- I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn't think straight.

She smiled at him and said:

- So what are you thinking now?

He said:

- I think I did a pretty good job!

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's motherAnd it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,It simply drives me wild.

For now I have becomeThe strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,I am my own grandpa!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion:

- What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband:

- Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!

The husband scratched his head and replied...

- I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife:

- Where did you get that necklace?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks:

- Where did you get the bracelet?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says:

- I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?

She replies:

- Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband:

- HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub.

He replies:

- I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

- Man: What the hell was that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez:

- Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

- Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees. - he bragged and took another sip of beer.

His friends were amazed! - What happened then? - they asked, almost in unison.

- Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' - he admitted.

One day a man came home from work to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter.

When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table and a pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife.

He was becoming worried that she might be ill or that something terrible had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day had gone. He looked at her, bewildered, and asked:

- What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered:

- You know, every day, you come home from work and ask me what I did today.

- Yes - was his reply.

She answered:

- Well, today, I didn't do it!

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

- Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...