Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:

- These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.

The husband answered:

- But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?

- I am only here to get something to eat.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers:

- The weather out there is terrible.

To which she sleepily replies:

- Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked:

- Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?

Looking her over carefully, Harold replied:

- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Harold interrupted.

- I haven't added them up yet.

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered.

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice.

The waitress comes over and says:

- Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman says:

- No he didn't, he just walked in the door.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:

- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:

- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man:

- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?

The Pakistani man replied:

- Just try them on.

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:

- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"