Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

How do most men define marriage?
→ A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!" He sticks out his hand...

"Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."

All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"

Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck".

Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"

Husband said, "Simple, because you know the difference."

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

Six stages of married life:

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5. Try anything
6. Try to remember

I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.

After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!" Then the fun began...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."