Random joke from this category
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!
How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.
How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why should a honeymoon only be six days?
→ Because seven days makes a whole week.
- Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.
- Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.
I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", the pal asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a happy man.
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?" she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
