Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.

Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."

Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.

"No, not really," Sylvia responds.

"Well, how about a new Porche?" asks Ron.

"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.

"No," says Sylvia.

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.

"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.

"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.

My mother-in-law has got so many double chins it looks like she is peering over a pile of pancakes.

What are three words you dread the most while making love?
→ "Honey, I'm home."

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

A mother and her child were at a wedding.

A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.