Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

• "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
• "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
• "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
• "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
• "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
• "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
• "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
• "If You Can Read This...
  Kiss A Teecher"
• "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
• "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
• "Procrastinate Now"
• "Rehab Is for Quitters"
• (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"
• "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
• "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

- Waiter, what is this bug doing on my wives shoulder!

- I don't know - friendly thing isn't he!

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

Where's the safest place to hide money from a man?
→ Under the soap

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. - Oliver Herford

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman

Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M. Knowles

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. - Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black..."

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced...

"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!"

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?"

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."