Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's a man idea of helping with the housework?
→ Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

- Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

- Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife:
"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

- Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after you.

- Johnson: But I want you to.

- Wife: But why?

- Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

- Wife: You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?

- Husband: No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home.

One Scot came back from work earlier then usual and saw plumber's car in the front of the house.

- Oh my God, I hope it is her lover.

Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time?
→ She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
→ His wife is good at picking out clothes.

A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he'd quit -- seems they'd matched him up with his wife.