Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
→ Because they had a crush on each other!

Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?
→ Because her husband spawned her affections!

Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman?
→ He drove her buggy.

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows: "Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

"Can I help you?" she says.

"I'm here about your ad in the paper."

"Which ad is that?"

"The one looking for a husband."

She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."

"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."

"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."

"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs."

"Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important..."

"Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?"

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...

"Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet!"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife..

"Show him, honey."

What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day?
→ Rugs and kisses!

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.