Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
→ French flies.

What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
→ Poloroids.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
→ A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
→ A south paw.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
→ Chicken of the sea.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
→ The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a transvestite cow?
→ A Dairy Queen.

What do you call Eskimo cows?
→ Eskimoos.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
→ A quackintosh.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
→ Bacon and legs.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken "who is your favorite music composer?"

The second chicken responds "bach, bach, bach!"

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby?
→ A cry for Alp!

• Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
• Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
• W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
• 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
• John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
• Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
• Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
• 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
• Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
• Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da

I was having coffee at the golf course when I saw a large amount of black sediment in the bottom of the cup. So I called the grounds keeper.

My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

What kind of engine do they use in golf carts?
→ Fore cyclinder.

I say a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked it would get better, but he said he didn't want to make any rash promises.

An univeristy student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her young love. She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the heart before the course.

I witnessed a robbery in a fabric factory and immediately called the police. They caught the culprit and held me as a material witness.

Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

When a ladder was stolen from a store, the manager said that further steps would be taken.

People who talk about false gods are engaged in idol gossip.

A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
→ They trod on his corn.

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Can you spell a pretty girl with two letters?
→ QT (cutey).

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Celery

- Celery who?

- Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!