Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

- How do you manage to stay in shape?

- I get a lot of hexercise.

Which two letters are rotten for your teeth?
→ D K

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.
"Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A long time ago, way back then...we used to spell Canada, Cnd.

Why? you ask. Well it's really simple...

It's because we forgot the eh?

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger...

"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

Have you heard about the goodweather witch?
→ She's forecasting sunny spells.

Why do raindrops like lightning at night?
→ So they can see where they are going

Did you know that the three wise men were firemen?
→ It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).