Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!

- Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.

What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
→ A fresh air freak.

Why is it so wet in Great Britain?
→ Because of all the kings and queens that reigned (rained) there.

How do witches lose weight?
→ They join weight witches.

- How do you spell wrong?

- R?o?n?g.

- That's wrong.

- That's what you asked for, isn't it?

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE --- REPLACEMENT PHRASE

• NO FUCKING WAY --- I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
• YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING --- Really?
• TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK --- Have you run that by.......
• NO BASTARD TOLD ME --- I wasn't involved in that.
• I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME --- Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
• WHO FUCKING CARES --- Are you sure that's a problem?
• EAT SHIT & DIE --- You don't say.
• EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER --- You don't say, sir.
• KISS MY ASS --- So, you'd like me to help you.
• HE'S A FUCKING PRICK --- He's somewhat insensitive.
• SHE'S A BALL BREAKING BITCH --- She's an agressive go getter.
• YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE --- You could use some more training.
• THIS PLACE IS FUCKED --- We're a little disorganised today.
• WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU? --- You're new here, aren't you?
• FUCK OFF SHITHEAD --- Well, there you go.
• YOU'RE A FUCKING WANKER --- You're a senior member: I respect you.
• HA! SUCK EGGS --- I wasn't there that night.
• YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID --- So, you're from Brisbane.
• YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS --- So, you're from Melbourne.
• FUCK OFF --- I'll look into it and get back to you.
• FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD --- We've got enough members thanks.
• HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? --- Well done!
• YOU FUCKING LOSER --- Gee, that was unfortunate.
• LIKE FUCKING HELL --- I don't believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

Why is the sky not happy on clear days?
→ It has the blues

What do you get when you cut a banana in two?
→ A BANANA SPLIT!