Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.

The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.

He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

How do crazy people get through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?
→ Stop playing it cagey!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. And on a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

- Woman: Two Achoo! tickets, please.

- Clerk: Have you purchased tickets here before?

- Woman: cough No.

- Clerk: Then I need your address.

- Woman: Okay. It's 260..AHEM Sorry.. Laryngitis...

- Clerk: You'll have to spell that one for me.

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win?
→ Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.