Language Jokes — most viewed jokes

What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
→ It was a vicious cycle.

OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves
OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions
OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place
OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor
OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Heard on a radio station.

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ He's a real fun guy [fungi].

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

- Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.

- Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.

- RS: Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??

- Guest: Uh..yes.. I'd like some bacon and eggs.

- RS: Ow July den?

- G: What??

- RS: Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?

- G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

- RS: Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?

- G: Crisp will be fine

- RS: Hokay. An San tos?

- G: What?

- RS: San tos. July San tos?

- G: I don't think so

- RS: No? Judo one toes??

- G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means.

- RS: Toes! toes!.. Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?

- G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

- RS: We bother?

- G: No..just put the bother on the side.

- RS: Wad?

- G: I mean butter - just put it on the side.

- RS: Copy?

- G: Sorry?

- RS: Copy...tea...mill?

- G: Yes. Coffee please, and that's all.

- RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??

- G: Whatever you say.

- RS: Tendjewberrymud

- G: You're welcome

Have a good day

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

• Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
• Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
• Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
• Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
• Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
• Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host
• Kum Hia: Approach me
• Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island
• Lao Ze: Not very good
• Lin Ching: An illegal execution
• Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program
• Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
• Shai Gai: A bashful person
• Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
• Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
• Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
• Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.
• Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
• Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
• Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
• Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.