Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?
→ Tarzan stripes forever.

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"

So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.

"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts."

And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

What do you call a vampire that can lift up cars?
→ Jack-u-la!

How can you tell elephants love to travel?
→ They are always packing their trunk!

Why did the girl put her bed in the fireplace?
→ Because she wanted to sleep like a log.

A few days ago, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!"

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead." She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort?
→ The Baaahaaamaaas!

A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.

She replies, "Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken."

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amsterdam!

- Amsterdam who?

- Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amos!

- Amos who?

- Amosquito just bit me!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amy!

- Amy who?

- Amy fraid I've forgotten!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Annetta!

- Annetta who?

- Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Annie!

- Annie who?

- Annie one you like!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Anthem!

- Anthem who?

- You Anthem devil you!