Random joke from this category
Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:
A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.
The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.
The husband asks: "Did we break that too?"
"Yes", replies the man.
"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.
"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"
The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better golfer."
"Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.
"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life."
"Poof! you get a million bucks a week", the genie announces.
"Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband.
"For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie.
"Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead."
So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you known your husband?"
"Ten years," she replies.
"How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
- Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?
- Caddy: Eventually.
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So.... he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the associate pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
Saint Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
One day a priest and a nun went golfing.
The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted, "Damn, missed again."
The nun, shocked, warned him "God will get you for that."
The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed "Damn It! Missed again" the nun repeated her warning "God will get you for that!"
On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.
A deep voice from the clouds boomed out "Damn It! Missed again!".
This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.
The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn.
The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."
"That sounds fine," she purred.
And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"
The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."
All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.
"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"
"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."
"No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."
The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."
"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."
"Still want me to play?" said the other.
"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it. The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."
The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"
"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.
The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."
"Which one?" said the hit man.
"Both," said the exec.
"That's $20,000, you know."
"I don't care, hit 'em both."
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.
"Blow his nuts off" said the exec.
"How about the woman?"
"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."
"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars."
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will" the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"
