Gender Jokes — most viewed jokes

• 17: He offers to pay
• 25: He pays
• 35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
• 48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
• 66: He can chew breakfast

What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
→ Speed bumps

ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come into contact with each other.

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
7. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
8. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
9. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
10. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
→ They are too hard to peel!

Seminars for Men

• COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
• COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
• COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
• COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
• COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
• COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
• COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
• COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
• COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
• COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
• COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
• COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
• COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
• COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
• COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
• COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
• COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
• COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On
• Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions

FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST

Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

How do faggots get a condom off?
→ They fart.

New Summer Seminars for Women

• The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There
• Life Beyond Shoes
• Money, The Non-Renewable Resource
• How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour
• Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends
• How To Be A Victim Of Marketing
• How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man
• Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World
• How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag
• Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits
• Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection
• Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks
• Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse
• Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking
• How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother
• Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart
• Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper
• How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking
• Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions
• Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection
• When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You
• How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel
• Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

• 17: Wine Coolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser