Ethnic — most viewed jokes

How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
→ Trying to hold on to a thought.

What is the mating call of the blonde?
→ "I'm "sooo" drunk!"

What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
→ (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
→ They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!

Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
→ They always forget the recipe.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
→ Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
→ From eating with forks.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
→ So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
→ You can park in the handicap zone.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

"Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter.

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's excuse me?"

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. "Why did you do that?" asked the other men.
"We have plenty of fine wine in France," said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. "Why did you do that?" asked the other men. "We have plenty of cigars in Cuba," said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw' him off the cliff. "What did you do that for?" asked the French man. "We have plenty of Cubans in America," answered the American man.

How do you know you're flying over Poland?
→ Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.

The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"

The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."

A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.

"What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.

The visitor asked "How much is a call?"

The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."

The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."

The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."