Ethnic — most viewed jokes

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".

Temperatures

• 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
• 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
• 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
• 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
• 35 degrees - Italians cars don't start.
• 32 degrees - Water freezes.
• 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
• 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
• 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
• 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
• 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
• 5 degrees - American cars don't start.
• 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
• -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
• -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
• -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
• -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
• -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.
• -40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
• -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
• -80 degrees - Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
• -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
• -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.

What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
→ Gorillas In The Mist!

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her."

"I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

"Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

"Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!"

The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain.

"That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the copilot, "and WIDE too!"

The Englishman's, Irishman's and Scotsman's wives go shopping one day to a big department store. While they are there a fire breaks out. Everyone in the store is killed, including the three women. Their husbands are summoned to the local police station where a policewoman breaks the news to them: "I'm afraid sirs, that we believe your wives were killed in the fire at the department store. However the fire was so intense we cannot identify the bodies. Only their handbags survived the blaze. Can you identify your wives' handbags from these three found in the store?"

The three men all look at the handbags and each one is able to identify one of the handbags as belonging to his wife. With all handbags accounted for the policewoman leaves the men to deal with their grief in peace. The three men sit in silence for a while, then the Englishman opens his wife's handbag and rummages through the contents, finally pulling out a half-empty packet of cigarettes and says "All these years married and I never knew the old girl smoked."

The Scotsman looks into his wife's handbag and pulls out a half-empty bottle of scotch. "Jings, I knew her all that time an ah didnae ken ma missus drank."

The Irishman empties his wife's handbag onto the floor, looks through the contents and picks up a half empty packet of condoms. "'Saints preserve us! All dese years an oi never knew me wife was a man."

What do you call a Polish aardvark?
→ A Polaark!

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

• Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
• Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
• Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
• Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
• Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
• Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
• Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
• Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
• Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
• Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
• Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
• Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
• German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
• Candain-American Speak -- EH?onics
• Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?"

Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great," says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then comes back to St. Peter and tells him that "These are the most wonderful, beautiful Gates!! They were almost certainly constructed in Italy, probably Florence, in the Renaissance! Pure Works of Art!" The price...$3,000. I'll need $1000 for materials, $1,000 for the finest Italian craftsmen and $1,000 for my profit" "OK" "Thanks" says Peter and now the Jew.

He quickly surveys the Gates and returns to Peter.

The price is $2,900... That's $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the colored guy!