Ethnic — most viewed jokes

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis...

He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him... The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican, "Wow, that's really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?"

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says...

"Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."

An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide:
"How large is the population here?"
"Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers
American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies

The guy next to us was listening for quite some time, when he finally came over to our table and said...

"I am Polish and I can take a Polish joke as well as the next Polack, but your continued bashing of my race is getting a little old. Could you please change the subject?"

We did.

Shortly thereafter.....my friend had to to to the bathroom and the burly Polack got up and followed him into the bathroom.

They were in there for QUITE A WHILE and when they FINALLY came out, I asked my friend, "What happened in there?"

He said, "Well, you saw him follow me into the can.......

Well he pulled a RAZOR ON ME!

Really scared the hell out of me! And boy oh boy would I have ever been in a pickle if he had fould a place to PLUG IT IN!"

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!"

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

Why do so many Polish navy personnel drown?
→ Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push!

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

"I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team."

"Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"

The Polak said, "Two!"

"Very good!" said the coach. "And what are they?"

"Today and Tomorrow!"

"Hmm... OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a year?"

"Twelve!"

"Twelve? How did you come up with twelve?" The coach was perplexed.

"Well," said the Polak, "there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of..."

"Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"

"Oh, that is easy!" laughed the Polak. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"

"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that figure?"

To which the Polak sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee...."

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."

And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."

The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic." Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same"