Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing... and to share the same hearing aid.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

- Well, give me the bad news first.

- You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- You also have Alzheimer's... In three months you'll forget everything I told you.

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf!'

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"

The lady replied, "My phone doesn't have an eleven!"

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

What's another word for a murderer who kills old ladies?
→ A Killergran.

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?'

- You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

- But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- See, what did I tell you!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."

"That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help."

"Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."