Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

- Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

- Well, give me the really bad news first.

- You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

- And the bad news?

- You have Alzheimer's disease.

- Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

• When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
• All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.
• It was all so different before everything changed.
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

- Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Mary. When I was your age I ate every one.

- Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?

- Grandma: Yes, I do.

- Mary: Well, you can have mine.

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldn't do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the water's edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said, "Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

When I was 40, I couldn't get enough of it.

When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!"

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night.

In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase.

Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!"

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: "I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"

These two old men are in a nursing home.
They're talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, "I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything." The second guy said, "I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."