Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

One day some guys were doing a survey between "boxers" or "briefs".

They went to a 25 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said briefs.

They went to a 40 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said boxers.

Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? And the old man replied - "depends?"

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says "What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?"

The old guy says in reply "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . ."

- When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least.

- You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
"So, did you do it?" his lawyer asked.
"Of course not," the old man replied. "But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty."

Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

"You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting," she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.

"Then you used to kiss me," she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.

"After that, you used to bite my neck." With that the husband got up. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth," he grumbled.

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

- Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

- Well, give me the really bad news first.

- You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

- And the bad news?

- You have Alzheimer's disease.

- Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!