Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied, "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."

The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"

Yo moma is so old she knew the Great Wall of China when it was just ok

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?". The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?". To which he replies, "During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long." The wife says, "Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'".

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.

So he trys to regain his composure, backs up and starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.

So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!

He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered...

"It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confesses. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"...

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."...

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"...

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says "You".

Yo Mama soooo old she was wearing a Jesus starter jacket!

• Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.
• Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.
• People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.
• As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.
• The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.
• Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.
• Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.
"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away."