Elderly Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny?"

"Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver."

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?"

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.

An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and says he'll give her a ride home.

On the way he looks her over and says, "You're a pretty good looking old broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass."

She says, "What???!!!" But then thinks that the old age check isn't due for 5 more days, so she agrees.

They are lying on the bed after it's over having the usual smoke and he says to her, "Geez, if I had known that you were a virgin I would have offered you $20.00!"

She looks back at him and says, "If I had known you could get it up I would have taken off my pantyhose!"