Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Ed and Fred were flying along when the two idiots crash-landed on a desert island.

"What should we do?", said Ed.

"Hmmm, let's think.", replied Fred.

Ed shook his head, "No, let's do something you can do too!"

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

• Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
• People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
• Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
• We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
• When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
• The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
• You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
• All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
• I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
• No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
• There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
• Sit down and give your mind a rest.

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY... READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH... UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

Once a madman said, "Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat?"

Another madman said, "Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan."

A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, "You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
→ A dumb bunny.

My friend is so stupid he thinks that an autograph is a chart showing sales figures for cars.