Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

R.A.P.: Retards Attempting Poetry

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.

"I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.

"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."

"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

A newfie wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the newfie to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The newfie understood and was ready. The time came to have the newfie jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded him that he would be right behind him. The newfie proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the newfie. The newfie seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

What happened then?
→ He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

She had three children, right?
→ Yes.

How many were boys?
→ None.

Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
→ That's me.

Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
→ Yes.

And these stairs, did they go up also?

Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
→ By death.

And by whose death was it terminated?

Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
→ I'll be three months on March 12th.

Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
→ Yes.

What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
→ I used to be.

How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Have you lived in this town all your life?
→ Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
→ It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.

And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
→ No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!