Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
→ Drool.

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, 'OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

• A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
• B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
• C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

• A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
• B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
• C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

• A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
• B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
• C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

• A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
• B. Blame someone else.
• C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

• A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
• B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
• C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

• A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
• B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
• C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

• A. Clean the office while he supervises.
• B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
• C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."

The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when we get to shore.

How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
→ There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!

How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
→ There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!

How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
→ Throw in a lawn sprinkler!

Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
→ To diaper their skyscrapers!

Why do policemen have toilets?
→ So that yaks will disobey them!

What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
→ An angry nurse!

What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
→ "Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"

What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
→ "Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"

How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
→ There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!

Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
→ So that photocopiers will interrogate them!

Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
→ That was no baby, that was my senator!

What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
→ The both eat flying hairballs!

When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
→ When it's a flabby cornfield!

What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
→ A Communist!

Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
→ Shhh! Everyone will want one!

Why do yaks have fingers?
→ So that Hare Krishnas will break them!

How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
→ Throw in a teapot!

What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
→ A thirsty spatula!

What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
→ They both smash lazy lollipops!

Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
→ To satisfy their SubGeniuses!

What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
→ Time to get a new senator!

What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
→ They both visit hi-rise armadillos!

What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
→ A violin!

Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
→ So that toilets will dissect them!

How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
→ Throw in a toenail!

When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
→ When it's a worthless whale!

How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
→ There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!

Why do TV repairmen have beds?
→ So that VCRs will visit them!

When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
→ When it's a religious milk shake!

What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
→ They both buy yellow prunes!

Why do armadillos have babies?
→ So that snakes will steal them!

What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
→ They both stall born-again BMWs!

What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
→ "Smash my horse, please!"

How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
→ Throw in a vicar!

What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
→ "Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"

Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
→ To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!

When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
→ When he's a beautiful grandmother!

What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
→ They both toast gold-plated giraffes!

What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
→ A holographic chicken!

What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
→ Time to get a new toothbrush!

Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
→ So that ostriches will cross-examine them!

What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
→ A lima bean!

What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
→ They both bounce wacky gods!

What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
→ Time to get a new kneecap!

Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
→ To befriend their prunes!

Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
→ So that forks will marry them!

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and then the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is battered against the ground again and again. She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........ ........the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"