Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "Wait Please."

To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."

Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

"What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?

"Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

What do you give an elephant with diarreha? Lots of RoomWhat does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says...

"OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"

• His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
• His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
• His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
• His buffer is full.
• His clutch is slipping.
• His data bus stops for red lights.
• His deck has no face cards.
• His elevator is stuck between floors.
• His face is on a coin... On the edge.
• His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
• His freelist is empty.
• His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
• His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
• His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
• His head whistles in a cross wind.
• His home planet is flat.
• His IQ is a false positive.
• His jack can't get the car off the ground.
• His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
• His mind is great at error magnification.
• His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
• His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.
• His mind is write-protected/write-only.
• His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
• His mind wandered and never came back.
• His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
• His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
• His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
• His page was intentionally left blank.
• His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!"

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
• "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
• "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
• "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
• "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
• "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
• "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
• "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

• Slow out of the gate.
• Smarter than the average bear.
• Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
• So boring, his dreams have Muzak.
• So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.
• So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.
• So dumb, he faxes face up.
• So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.
• So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.
• So fat, people jump over him rather than go around.
• So slow, he has to speed up to stop.
• So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.
• So stupid, he tries to drown fish.
• So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
• So ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
• Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.
• Some Assembly Required.
• Some bugs in his software.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
• Some of her inodes have nodded off.
• Some pages missing.
• Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.
• Somebody put a stop payment order on his reality check.
• Someday when she's younger...
• Someone blew out his pilot light.
• Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
• Someone let the air out of her lock.
• Sort of like an inverse Einstein.
• Source code is missing a few lines.
• Speaks math/FORTRAN better than English.

Two blondes rented a fishing boat, and were having a great day catching fish.

The first blonde said "This is such a great spot, we need to mark it so we can come back."

The second blonde proceeded to put a mark on the side of the boat.

The first blonde asked "What are you doing?"

The second blonde replied "Marking the spot."

"Don't be stupid" the first blonde said. "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.

"How much is that television set?" she asks.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," the clerk said.

So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?"

The clerk replies, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Again, the girl walks out.

She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks "How much is that television set behind you?" The clerk again replies, "We don't sell to blondes!"

Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.

She asks carefully, "How do you know I'm a blond?"

The clerk looks at the girl and says...

"Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!"

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black n Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened."

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.

He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to them that causes the hair to lie toward the back.
The way you are dragging that moose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If you grab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quite minimal."

The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist."

"Yeah.", said the other. "But we're getting further and further away from our truck."