Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

So Sven and Ole were out working in the forest one day. They had just gotten jobs as lumber jacks. Well one say they were working along cutting down all the trees that had the big red X on them.

As instructed by the foreman they were to yell 'TIMBER!' whenever the tree was about to fall. Ole was cutting down a tree and yelled 'Timber' and all of a sudden he saw a skidder pulling a tree out of the woods drive right under where the tree was about to fall. There was nothing he could do about it.

The tree fell on the cab killing poor 'ol DooDah. That was his name for his parents gave it to him. He was a young man recentley married. Well Sven and Ole didn't know what to do, so they called the priest and he said to go talk and comfort DooDah's now widow.

Well they walked out of the forest into town and arrived at the widows house. They were dumbfounded and didn't know what to think or say. So quickly as the fact the tree fell.....

Sven rang the doorbell.

A few minutes later the widow DooDah appeared at the door. Sven says that Ole has something to say. He's at a loss of words and all that comes out of his mouth is 'GUESS WHO DIED IN THE WOODS TODAY ....!'

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?

It's a solar-powered flashlight.

• Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
• Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
• Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
• Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
• Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
• Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
• CPU is always in powersave mode.
• CPU not connected to the bus.
• Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
• Cranio-rectally inverted.
• Cunning as a dodo bird.
• Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
• Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
• Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
• Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
• Defective hard drive / boot sector.
• Dense as a London fog.
• Diarrhea of the mouth constipation of the ideas.
• Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
• Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
• Does aerobics... in his head.
• Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
• Doesn't adjust for leap years.
• Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
• Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
• Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
• Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
• Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
• Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
• The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
• I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
• I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
• An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
• I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.
• The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
• In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
• I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.
• The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

• I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
• Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
• Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
• Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
• So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word] a long time ago.
• You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
• The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
• I hear you were born on April 2 a day too late!
• I hope you never get a tetanus shot maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
• I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
• If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
• Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual cycle in on a Honda?

SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995
CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995
Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Stupid people

LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him

Coleman moved to Wyoming and was sitting in the unemployment office applying for a job. "Have you any experience in coal mining?" asked the clerk.
"Yeah, in Pennsylvania," he replied. "They're using that new safety lamp down there now, aren't they?" "Ah don't know, mister," said Coleman. "I worked on the day shift."