Dumb Jokes — most viewed jokes

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:

• ON A HAIRDRYER: Do not use while sleeping.
• ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
• ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
• FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: Defrost.
• ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
• ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
• ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating.
• ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body.
• ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
• ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
• ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning: Keep out of children.
• ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.
• ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use.
• ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts
• ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
• ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."

The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
→ Because it said "concentrate!"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

- I don't know...

- Why?

- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.

He asks the man, "Where did you get such a big lighter?"

The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, "That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he." The guy replies, "no kidding"! "You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!"

Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears.
"What's the matter?" asked her companion.
"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet."
"Three feet?" exclaimed her friend.
"Surely that's not possible?"
"Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !"

A guy walks up to his friend and says "why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?"
He replies "So I know which is my left and which is my right."
"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"