Drunks — most viewed jokes

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed...

"Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

What do you call an alcoholic dog?
→ A whino!

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.

24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy.

Too much beer and you get fat. Toom much pussy and it makes you poor. Advantage: Draw.

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game. Advantage: Pussy.

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five! Advantage: Pussy.

With beer, bigger is better. Advantage: beer.

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic. Advantage: Pussy.

Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun. Advantage: Pussy.

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are. Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back. Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it. Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran. Advantage: Draw.

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above. Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer. Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?
→ A beer-a-cuda!

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.