Drunks — most viewed jokes

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him, "Father, have you been drinking?" "No..." replied Father.

"Is that liquor in your bottle there Father?" suggested the officer. "No it's just water" answered Father.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said "Father this is wine."

Father then burst "Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!"

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
→ About 5 drinks.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!"
"You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

The social worker asked the bartender, "What's the difference between your job and mine?"

The bartender replied: "I only had to go to bartender school for 6 weeks and I learned to mix very good drinks, then wait a couple of hours to have people tell me their innermost thoughts, while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of dollars, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!!!"

Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem.

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your job is interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem!
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Every woman you see has an exact twin.
• You fall off the floor.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner!
• The glass keeps missing your mouth.
• Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.
• "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
• You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.
• "BeerTender! Get me another Bar!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."