Drunks — most viewed jokes

What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
→ "Have another beer."

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

- Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

- Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

- Man: So what happened then?

- Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

- Man: and then?

- Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So, what did you do then?

- Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain.

- Man: So, what did you do?

- Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

You should "never" drink during tax season.

"You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!"

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The man replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says, "You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one."

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy. "Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!"

He looks at the genie and says, "We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!" The genie nods and says, "You got it, boys!"

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out, "You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?"

"Whadaya talking about?" the other fisherman answers. "I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?"

"I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!"

Safety Tip: Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

Sign seen in a bar:"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.

One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.

The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read... "better Nate than Lever"!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."