Drunks — most viewed jokes

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

- You went out drinking last night, didn't you?

- Uh, yes, he said sheepishly. How did you know?

- You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

- I did a terrible thing, sniffed the drunk. Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

- That is awful. And now that she is gone you want her back, right?

- Right! said the drunk, still crying.

- You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her, right?

- Oh, no. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, she responded, it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped, "It helps her constipation, you know." So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is...
When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!"

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?
→ It depends on the age.

I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth...

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
→ An ape-ricot sour!

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
→ You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!