Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?
→ A docs-hund!

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."

"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!

Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"

"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

- Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.

- Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

- I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Do begin with the bad news, please.

- Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

- Good grief! What's the good news?

- The good news is that there is no more bad news.

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now".

The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!"

There was a couple involved in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin.

The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind.

The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if there was anything she could do for him for being so nice to donate his skin.

And the husband replied, "no need...

I get all the satisfaction I could ever want each time your mother kisses you on the cheek!"

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
→ In case they have to draw blood.

What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

- Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?

- I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...