Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake

- Sleep in another room then!

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!"

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.

One turned to the other and said, "Hello."

The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but finally found nothing wrong with the man.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife".

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it.

- Doctor, doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet

- Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!

- Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!

- Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops.

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.

"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects."

"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.

"Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!"

- Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!

- Well tell her to come in

- I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!