Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?

- I never make rash promises!

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"

The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."

"Yeah, what?" replies the patient.

"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."

"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"

"We put them under your pillow!"

4 Doctors were talking shop one day...

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"

Two Virginia boys, Sonny and Rick, went out hunting and split up. Sonny heard some rustling in the bushes and, by mistake, shot his friend.

After trying to remove the bullet, he carried Rick to a doctor.

Two hours later, after the physician had patched up the wounded hunter, Sonny asked, "Please, Doc. How's my friend?"

"Well," answered the M.D., "he'd be a lot better off if you hadn't taken out his gut!"

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf idiot!"

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
→ When you take careful aim.

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing??"

The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."

The Doctor was puzzled. "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."