Doctor Jokes — most viewed jokes

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said, "You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt."

"Well I might try something like that," said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway. "John!" says the doc, "Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?"

"Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice!" said John.

"Hey, that's fantastic!" said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

"Say, Doc!" yelled John, down the hall, "Nice place you got there!"

- Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

- Tell him I can't see him now. Next!

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

- Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping.

- Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed.

- Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.

After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Doctor, Doctor my baby is the image of his father

- Never mind just so long as he's healthy!

- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

- Well pull yourself together then

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."

Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"

"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"