Random joke from this category
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gives birth to their son. Michael says, "How long before we can have sex?"
The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."
An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!
The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said: "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"
An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies, "At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later.
They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says, "I was afraid of this." The old man says, "No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar."
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. "I think I'm turning into a man."
Then the doctor says, "Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest."
And then the doctor asked, "Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?"
And then she replied, "All the way down to my dick."
This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks, "Whats a failic symbol?"
Doctor says, "You're kidding.."
Girl says, "No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???"
Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says, "You see? This is a failic symbol!"
Girl says, "Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller"
A man walks in to a doctors office and says, "Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS." The doctor replies, "Are you gay?" The man answers "yes." The doctor says, "I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice.
Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved." The man answers, "Will that cure my AIDS?" The doctor replies, "No, but you will find out what your ass hole is really for!"
A woman diagnosed as having a brain tumor was told by her doctor that she would need the transplant of a one-pound brain. The doctor then asked, "What type of brain do you want?"
"What type?" the woman asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference in price. For example, a one-pound brain of a surgeon costs $60,000, while you can get a one-pound brain of a nuclear physicist for $50,000, and so on."
"Can you give me a one-pound lawyer's brain? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."
"That's $250,000," the doctor replied.
"Why so much?" the woman asked. "That's over four times what a surgeon's brain costs."
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?" the doctor replied.
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
