Random joke from this category
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.
A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK.
- Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
- David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around his penis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctor says, "I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give you something else." So clinton takes the perscription and takes the pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in 3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescription he gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says, "Rub this around the offending circle and come back tomorrow." Clinton returns the next day and starts shouting, "Wow! That stuff was terriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!"
The docter then calmly replied; "Lipstick remover."
One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.
So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you." So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.
Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said, "My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'"
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But. what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"
A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.
- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.
- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.
- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.
- And it hasn't got any arms either.
- What?
- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."
