Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.

I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?
→ She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!"

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
→ Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in." Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?" One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there."

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

How do you know if a lesbian is butch?
→ She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.