Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.

After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.

First, fix him three healthy meals a day.

Next, give him a stress-free environment and don't complain about anything.

Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day."

The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband's room.

"What did the doctor say?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, m'dear," she said, "but he said you're not going to make it."

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.

The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D.

Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night.

In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase.

Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!"

How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
→ A 69 interrupted by a period.

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied "that's impossible because I am a virgin". To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. After the exam the doctor said: "I have good news and bad news, the good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten"

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests: "How many here believe in ghosts?" Everyone put up their hand.

"How many have seen ghosts?"

A lot of people put up their hand.

"How many have touched a ghost?"

Five people put up their hands.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One person put up their hand.

"Well then," said the host, "why don't you come up here and tell us all about it."

The man walked up.

"So, how was your night with the ghost?" asked the host.

"Ghost?" Said the man, "Sorry, I thought you said goat."

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem!"

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda!" (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?"

The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller."

The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."

The dentist said, "Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller."

The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."

The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?"

The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life."

The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?"

The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."