Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Random joke from this category

Too Many Pills

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says:

- Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?

- Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?

- Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'

Two Black Eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

- Jack, what happened to you?!?

- It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!

- Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?

- Naw... After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack -- so I tried to poke it back in.

Two Hellos

- Hello? - the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated:

- Hello?

- I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn. - the male voice whispered.

- Scheesch! You're good. - she replied:

- You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?

Weird Disease

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks:

- Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?

- Worse - says the doctor.

- It's frostbite!

Grandmother Too

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled:

- YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

Eggs Under The Bed

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked:

- Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?

He replied:

- Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

- But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from? - she asked.

- Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.