Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here's a few:

- (_!_) a regular ass

- (__!__) a fat ass

- (!) a tight ass

- (_^^_) a bubble ass

- (_*_) a sore ass

• {_!_} a swishy ass

- (o) an ass that's been around

- (x) kiss my ass

- (X) leave my ass alone

- (zzz) a tired ass

- (o^^o) a wise ass

- (E=mc2) a smart ass

- (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

- (_?_) Dumb Ass

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
→ So she can have a doggie bag for later.

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

- Thank you - he said.

- I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind.

- Dancing? I'm not dancing! - the armless man replied bitterly...

- My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!

- Hello? - the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated:

- Hello?

- I'll bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn. - the male voice whispered.

- Scheesch! You're good. - she replied:

- You mean you can tell all that from two hello's?

What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!

There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:

- Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?

She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.

The man thinks:

- Wow, I can't believe that worked! - and decides to try it again.

Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?

She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.

The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him! The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her:

- Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?

The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:

- There... now you're f**ked!

Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.

- I'll never understand women - said Joe.

- The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.

- Wow! That's quite some gift - said the bartender.

- So why are you so dejected?

- Well I thought about it for a while - said Joe,

- and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won't even speak to me!

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:

- Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?

- Yup, shore am!

- How much does he weigh now?

The proud father answered:

- Ten pounds.

The bartender said:

- Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.

The proud Texas father said:

- Jest had him circumcised!