Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Airport immigration......

NAME: Muhammed al Facid
SEX: Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE: Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels.

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says:

- All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is understandably silent.

He then, chugs back another beer and says:

- All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?

Everyone is silent, again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.

- You got a problem, buddy?

- No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them:

- If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

- What are you doing? - asked the Mom.

- Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

- What the hell are you doing? - he asked.

His daughter replied:

- I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

- For Christ's sake, what are you doing? - she cried.

The husband replied:

- What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
→ A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.

During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked:

- Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?

The flight attendant answered:

- We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient.

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked:

- Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?

The flight attendant replied:

- The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises.

The customer looked confused.

- How does that help? - he asked.

- Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands.

The customer nodded and asked:

- But how do you get it back in your pants?

The flight attendant smiled:

- I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.