Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic.

- What seems to be the matter?

- Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.

- Let me have look.

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

- Thank goodness - she said.

- What was the matter?

- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.

Looking shocked she asked:

- Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me:

- I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before.

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say:

- here, stick this in MYASS.

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond:

- Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
→ It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said:

- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend:

- Every time we make love - she said.

- I get splinters.

So Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice:

- Sandpaper - said the carpenter.

- That's what you need.

So Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again:

- How are you getting on with the girls now? - he asked.

- Who needs girls? - said Pinocchio.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:

- These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.

The husband answered:

- But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?

- I am only here to get something to eat.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says:

- Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says:

- Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested.

He replies:

- I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.

- Well, - she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says:

- Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck.

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him:

- I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.

She calls her friend and tells her:

- You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need.

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says:

- Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.

Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says:

- Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!

- Dad, - he says, You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!