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Online Relationship Over Signs

The top signs that your net relationship is over:

  • All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
  • Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
  • Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
  • You get a Dear John E-mai...
  • Your name is Fred.
  • They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
  • She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
  • She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job, it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
  • During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

Windows 2000 Errors

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

  1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
  2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
  3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
  4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
  5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
  6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
  9. Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
  10. This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
  11. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
  12. BREAKFAST.
    SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
  13. COFFEE.
    SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
  14. CONGRESS.
    SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
  15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  16. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
  17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
  18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
  19. WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
  20. User Error: Replace user.
  21. Windows VirusScan1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
  22. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

If AOL Were A City

  • You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
  • You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
  • Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
  • The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
  • The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
  • The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
  • If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
  • Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
  • Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
  • You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
  • You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
  • The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

E-Mail Like A Penis

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Computer Virus Warning

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.

  1. Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
  2. Lorena Bobbit Virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
  3. Tonya Harding Virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
  4. Paul Revere Virus - Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
  5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
  6. Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
  7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
  8. Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
  9. Jane Fonda Virus - Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
  10. Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
  11. AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  12. MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
  13. Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  14. Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
  15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
  16. Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
  17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
  18. Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
  19. Congressional Virus #1 - The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
  20. Congressional Virus #2 - Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
  21. Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
  22. PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
  23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.
  24. LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
  25. O.J. Virus - It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

Computer Terms

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state-of-the-art computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.