Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update

10. Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.
11. Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).
12. Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).
13. Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.
14. If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.
15. Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".
16. Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.
17. Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"
18. The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.
19. Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"
    Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"

• Act naturally
• Found missing
• Resident alien
• Advanced BASIC
• Genuine imitation
• Safe sex
• Airline food
• Good grief
• Same difference
• Almost exactly
• Government organization
• Sanitary landfill
• Alone together
• Legally drunk
• Silent scream
• British fashion
• Living dead
• Small crowd
• Business ethics
• Microsoft Works
• Soft rock
• Butt head
• Military intelligence
• Software documentation
• California culture
• New classic
• Sweet sorrow
• Childproof
• "Now, then ..."

• Synthetic natural gas
• Christian Scientists
• Passive aggression
• Taped live
• Clearly misunderstood
• Peace force
• Temporary tax increase
• Computer jock
• Plastic glasses
• Terribly pleased
• Computer security
• Political science
• Tight slacks
• Definite maybe
• Pretty ugly
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• Diet ice cream
• Rap music
• Working vacation
• Exact estimate
• Religious tolerance

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
11. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
13. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
14. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
15. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
16. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
17. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
18. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

- Have you seen www.hook.com?

- Yes, it's already caught my eye.

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?
WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepathy. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department

What has four legs and an arm?
→ A happy pit bull.

Cannot find REALITY.

SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.

EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS
C:\WINDOWS\GO
C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS
C:\DOS\RUN
RUN\DOS\RUN

<-------- The information went data way -------->

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.

COM Halted...

Cereal Port Not Responding

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

Access denied--nah nah na na

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

• The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
• The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
• You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
• You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.
• You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
• You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
• You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".
• You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
• Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
• Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.