Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

- Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

- You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

- Customer: But how do get there?

- You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

- Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

- Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED!

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Huntin".
16. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
17. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.
19. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer

• Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
• It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
• In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
• It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
• The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
• Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
• The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
• The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
• The only chip inside is a Dorito.
• You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.

At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dollar sale !"

Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay.

Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand-lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE---WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.
My cellular phone's on the blink.
My fax's gone off to fax heaven,
And Pay For View stinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.
My email's been revoked.
My modem's stuck at 300 baud,
And my terminal just blinks.
I got the blues,
I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.
I got the bluuuuues,
I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.
I don't have Video on demand.
I can't read my Personal Newspaper,
And Shop At Home has kinks.
I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.
I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

How can you tell a blonde has been working on the computer?
→ There is white out on the screen

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- Support: What sort of trouble?

- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Support: Went away?

- Customer: They disappeared.

- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Customer: Nothing.

- Support: Nothing?

- Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- Customer: How do I tell?

- Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

- Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- Customer: What's a monitor?

- Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Customer: ...... Yes, I think so.

- Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Customer: ...... Yes, it is.

- Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Customer: ...... Okay, here it is.

- Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- Customer: I can't reach.

- Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Support: Dark?

- Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Support: Well, turn on the office light then.

- Customer: I can't.

- Support: No? Why not?

- Customer: Because there's a power outage.

- Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

- Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

If Microsoft Ran The IRS

"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).

• The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
• Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
• In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
• When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
• When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
• Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the prior year is no longer supported.
• The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
• After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
• The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
• Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
• The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.

OJ Simpson's website address: www dot 'o' dot 'j' dot com backslash backslash backslash escape.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.
11. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
12. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker--a first.
13. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
14. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.
15. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
16. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT - but then you would have to buy more seats.
17. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
19. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.