Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:

1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting radios in all its models.

You know you have been on the computer too long when...

• When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the else clause.
• When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
• When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
• When you look for your homework using: "grep homework /dev/backpack"
• When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
• When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
• When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
• When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors....
• You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '', and continue writing on the next line.

• Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
• Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
• Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
• Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
• Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
• Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
• Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
• Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
• Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
• Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
• Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
• Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
• Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
• Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
• Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
• Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
• Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
• Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
• Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
• Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
• Rom - Where the pope lives.
• Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
• Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
• Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
• Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.

Are you a tehcnical geek?

Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.

You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .

• When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
• When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
• When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
• When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
• When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
• When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
• When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
• When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
• When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.

- Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

- Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

- Costello: No, what is it?

- Abbott: Yes.

- Costello: So, which is the one?

- Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

- Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

- Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get information about 'yoo'.

- Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

- Abbott: Use 'what'.

- Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

- Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

- Costello: Which one?

- Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

- Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

- Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to get the revision code.

- Costello: I want to find the revision code.

- Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

- Costello: Which command will do what I need?

- Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

- Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

- Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

- Costello: Write what?

- Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

- Costello: Cut that out!

- Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

- Costello: Do you always do this?

- Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

- Costello: HELP!

- Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

- Costello: You make me angry.

- Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was upset once.

- Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

- Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has 'more'.

- Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

- Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

- Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

- Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
→ Data transfer.

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKER
by Jerrold H Zar

I have a spelling checker.
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too be a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
it does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

Some of the myths about marriage...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

Technology for the Country Folk

What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border.

• LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
• LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
• MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
• DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
• MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
• FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
• RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
• HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
• PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
• WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
• SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
• BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
• MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
• MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
• DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
• LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
• KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
• SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
• MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
• MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
• PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
• ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
• RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks
• MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you will get caught - your best defence isto claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor _ B. Minor _ C. Minor _ D. Trivial _
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up _ B. Frozen _ C. Hung _ D. Strange Smell _
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes _ No _
7. Is it turned on? Yes _ No _
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes _ No _
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes _ No _
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes _ No _
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe _ No _
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes _ No _
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes _ No _
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes _ What's a VCR? _
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes _ No _
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes _ No _
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes _ No _
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes _ No _
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes _ No _
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes _ Not Yet _
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __